There’s a particular kind of loneliness that comes with grieving when you’re in college. Everyone around you seems to be living out a highlight reel — new friends, late nights, big plans — and you’re carrying something heavy and invisible.
For the last 22 years, I have been blessed with the privilege of only witnessing death and grief at arm’s length. However, as graduation approaches, and I’m starting to grow up, I am now on the other side, having lost a loved one. For most of us in college, grief is compounded by being away from home as well. This can make things tougher or just more unreal. It’s a daunting mix of helplessness, loneliness, and grief.
In my situation, I knew the death was coming. I believed that when it happened, I would be at peace, but nothing prepares you for that moment. You can be mentally regulated and rationalize loss, but there’s no escaping grief’s emotional journey. I learned there can be two phases of grief: first, when your loved one is still alive but sick, and second, when death actually comes. Here are some things that helped me:
People Can Surprise You
Initially, I was very hesitant to talk to my friends about what I was going through. I would cry silently, thinking they wouldn’t understand. However, when I finally opened up, I realized I underestimated their capacity to empathize or just be there for me. Sharing what I was going through also lightened the burden of silent suffering. When I reached out to my professors, one of them even shared content that helped me work through my feelings.
So, even if it’s not a friend, it helps to share with someone who’s physically present around you or who you see often. You don’t have to give them the whole story, just enough so that you’re not completely alone in it.
You don’t have to give them the whole story, just enough that you’re not completely alone in it.
Things are allowed to wait
Although you’re undergoing this heart-wrenching experience, life doesn’t stop — especially when you’re in college. Assignments pile up, absences add up, and deadlines relentlessly approach. And you still have to take care of yourself. While going through the first phase of grief, it’s hard to manage this balance, because there’s less “justification” for how you feel.
In this phase, what helped me was taking 10 minutes out of my day to sit with my thoughts and to allow my emotions to pass through me. My work also helped distract me, but it was important to acknowledge my emotions rather than to avoid them.
Life may move on around you, but it’s okay to pause yours.
In the second phase, just stop. I took one week off and gave myself time to process and do whatever I needed. It’s not the end of the world if you stop. Life may move on around you, but it’s OK to pause yours. You are allowed to ask for extensions, accommodations, and grace. Professors are human beings, and most have also experienced loss and will respond accordingly.
Commemorate in Your Own Way
Loss comes with such an overwhelming feeling of displaced love and yearning. Do something small that makes you feel like you’re doing something for the loved one. It could be lighting a candle, visiting a place of worship, writing letters, or even just recalling memories. Channel the love and the emotion in a way that feels good to you. Giving is a recognized way of channeling these emotions as it helps channel the displaced love, evokes gratitude, and is a heartfelt way to commemorate someone.
It’s Okay to Still Enjoy Things
One of the quieter struggles of grief is guilt: guilt for laughing, for going out, or even for just having a good day. But joy and grief can coexist.
Allowing yourself to live your life isn’t a betrayal. It’s actually something most people who have lost someone would want for the people they loved. I really struggled with allowing myself to enjoy things. I would feel strange if I looked forward to a meal or if I made plans to go out because of this overwhelming sense of a heavy heart. Permitting myself to smile, laugh, and look forward to things was the kindest thing to do.
Nothing brings you to your core as a human the way grief does. It strips you down to something essential — a rawness where you might find out more about yourself than you ever expected. You’re here, still, in the middle of it all — the late nights, the new friends, the big plans — except now you know something most people around you don’t yet. Loss and joy aren’t opposites: A heavy heart and a full life can exist in the same person, at the same time.
Some Books To Make Sense of Grief:
- Laws of the Spirit World by Khorshed Bhavnagri
- Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
- Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansaha Yogananda
- When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi
- Journeying Through Grief by Kenneth C. Haugk
Richa Jindal is an international relations student who loves to write. She is completing her bachelor’s in international relations and looks forward to pursuing higher studies in business. She also has a strong passion for all things media and design.
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